Happy New Year!!

I can only imagine

Heaven.. the place we as christian strive to reach, keeping in touch with the father and holding on to his hand in guidence through this dark world. Waiting for the day we all meet in wonder.
One of my bigest fears though isn't that I'm not going to get there but what if I don't like it? Wierd and stupid I know, of course I will, I know that it is beyond my wildest dream and all my fears and worries will be thrown away.
But one thing I just don't know is what about the love between man and woman, the marrige things ends at death do us part.
What about after death. Will I not need that kind of love anymore? Do I want to not need that love anymore? So many questions and all I know is that one day I will get the answers.
This is where my faith in God really has it's strains, but I will trust in Him. Because He has provided for me in every way.

The likeness in me..

When I don't think I match up to Gods expectations I start thinking that I don't deserve His forgivness..
I realized today how demeaning that is.
As if I were putting God on the same place as us humans - scary thought.. But the reality of things are that He is allmighty, He is God the alfa and omage, the beginning and the end.
I've heard this SO many times, But I understood it today.
Exacly how awesome He really is and how much more then we are He is.
When we deny God the right to forgive us we are degrading His power.
We are forgiven - we just have to respect that.

The real me..

Who am I..? Who is the real me..?

Behind the public cherade, what is it I see in me?
Not what my parents see in me, or my firends, or what you see in me..
I want to be more then that, What are my secrets and what are the things you do not see?
I will not tell my secrets here, yet my mind wanders to places where I can.
Will I find someone ever who will see me and not what the world makes me..?
Will I see the real me?

I love dogs, I love Jesus, I love playing make believe and making snow angels.. I love making people laugh and I feel agknowled by it, I hate boring things and when I can't satisfy that need for exitment I die inside. I need to feel needed and helpfull or I wither away.


I'm scared of alot of things. like hights and deep water, flying or something so small as cockroaches.


I love, like I've never been hurt before and I laugh, like it's the only reason to live. I get more angry and frustrated then anyone I know at least to the looks of it, I'm petite yet I scare my friends when I am mad.


I'm lousy at housework and I hate cooking.


I'm egosentric alot of times and I do believe I'm always right (at least untill I am proved wrong). I like being alone at times and I need my space, I'm not really into cuddling or big sloppy kisses at all.


I have patience untill I run out and I laugh at people when they fall ( I think it's funny) I think it's even better when they laugh too.


I love beautifull things and I only have beautiful friends, If you think I'm ugly it's ok you don't have be my friend.


I do things the "my way or the highway" style, and I'm probably not going to change. I will tell you things you don't want to hear if I believe it's the right thing to do.


I like cleanlyness but my life is not as clean and spotless as I sometimes want it to be. I can never keep my white socks white.. I don't know why but it's true.


My dogs are always very good looking with new collars and leashes that match and nice bowls and beds, because I can't stand ugly or dirty things for my dogs. (and I hate knots on leashes).


I always use a new dishbrush and cloth every time I do the dishes.


My favorite song is "My winter" by Sister hazel and I want to find a man from the lyrics "I'm crazy for this girl" by Lifehouse. I love romance but feel awkward when someone does anything romantic for me.


I like attention and being in the center, but not always.

I hate money and what it does to ones mind.


I love snow and spring and palm trees.. I've always liked turtles but don't know why.
My favorite color is turquios and I think that Pepsi is just Coke only without the secret ingredient.
I have an oppnion about almost everything.




This is the real me.. without the best light or best makeup or anything... just me.

No more guilt trip!

It's amazing the love God has for us.

I've been of track looking for my fairytale ending when I've finally found that I am allreday living my fairytale. Just think the day we all meet in heaven! The day when the father who has cared for his handicaped son all his life meets him pure and without any hurt or pain. Who will not celebrate that day? Or the blind seeing for the first time?
As for me? The fact that I will be able to stand infront of my Jesus and feel completely without fault and completely clean!! To know that the words "Go and sin no more" will accually be a statement and not a comand! I will dance infront of my Father with all of my might and I will sing praises to my teacher who has never let me down!
I hunger to feel clean from all the dirt in my life. I'm not the only person in this world that feels that they aren't "good enough" for Christ.. Even if thats the whole point it still eats at our hearts.
If I only read my bible more or if I told Jesus more often that I love him and want to serve him or if I altered my lifestyle to be more like him. If I turned my cheak more often ex.ex.ex....
My Father in heaven loves me and it's not that he won't see sin it's that he can't.
Before him I am clean and the day I meat him I will be able to see myself through his eyes!!
Now that's a fairytale ending that is true! Isn't that something to look forward to?!
I am saved and not only am I saved but I get to spend eternity without despair and frustration.. without fear or anxiaty!!

Thank YOU Awesome Father!!

Seriously if you are reading this and you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, Then get one, Tell God right now that you need him you need to feel that one day all the shit that you've done in your life will no longer matter, the backpack of guilt you've been carrying needs to go!! You have been saved and our redeemer LIVES!

Insomnia

Insomnia - the inability to sleep applied to the general complaint of having trouble falling or staying asleep; insomnia is a symptom usually caused by underlying problems.

I can't sleep.. got to much on my mind constantly.. I sleep about 3 hours a night and that's just not good.

I got my hair done today so that was at least something to keep my mind off stuff at least for a little while. But honestly I don't want my mind off my problems I can't control them that way. Yes I am a control freak and am accually seeing a counceler for it. (to much info)

I guess my confort zone is within the words I choose to say. I seem to be a very open book, but those who know me well would deffinitly say the opposite. I can spill secret stuff about my life but the truely personal stuff I keep hidden away so far I have to dig to remember it.

I think I'm getting the hang of the being alone part though.

Feels good to be on the right track again, looking for that certian someone. Even thogh the road is seriously boring and on occasion simply dreadfull I'm glad that I now have a new goal in life.

Now I'm gonna watch "All dogs go to heaven 2" I just love kiddy movies :)

Maybe I'll fall asleep. :)

The Fairytale..

I find myself depressed in a normal fashion, wanting to find the one person who God has planned for me.

Watching silly romantic comedies and wondering if it really can be that way.

- Is that like believing in Santa Claus???

feeling lonelly and irritated.

I've seen 3 of my old classmates get married this summer.

I've never been the good girl, and now I'm wondering... can I turn my life around?

You see, what I mean by good girl is sexual.. I lost my virginity and became sexually active at the young age of 15 I thought I was grown up and mature. None of my friends or peers thought I was a virgin and they where my whole life at the time. Without the maturity to see beyond my young age I thought that only thier oppinion mattered. So it didn't matter if I kept it or not.

Cigerettes became drugs, meeting friends became drinking with friends and sex ... well lets just say I was to young to say no at a few ocassions.

Today non of those are active players in my life but still my sexual past haunts me.

I am emotionally scarred for life. Who could I ever meet that could see past these things and will I ever have a healthy life again?

God heals all wounds, but can I let these go?

Abba Father, Please help me understand how I can give these burdans to you. They are way to heavy for me. Please create in me a clean heart and spirit. Break the emotional shackels that bind my feet.

And foremost renew a stedfast spirit within me.

Amen

The broken ones..

We must help the broken ones - live our lives for christ and help those in our very secular world.


These lonely souls, these Broken ones.


--





I've heard this in many preachings - But what do these words really do to you?


What thoughts can come from this?


What happens when you are the broken one?


I can't be broken - cause I have God. I must be there for the ones that are really broken...


I think that we buy into the lie that all is perfect when God comes into our lives.



But when we hear this in every kick off preaching for ministry we start to believe that everyone without God are the only ones who can be broken.





I am broken in so many areas of my life, and I've believed the lie that I'm doing the whole christian thing wrong. I'm supposed to be clean, reborn, made perfect in Christ. Why do I still do all these rotten things in my life.


I know!,.. I'll pretend that I have the perfect life - because I have Christ! that will make people want God.





Here we are with the trust issue once more. Not trusting God that the bible is true and that we have to live a special way for people to want it or for us to not go to hell.


We even tell our kids and youth to be cautious of the world and of secular things so the devil doesn't snatch them away from God! This is seriously ubsurd!! The bible clearly states - Lead me not into temptation. Not deny me the right of a choice of temptation - Why not teach trust to these young ones instead of scaring them from everything secular. the end result of this action is simply 2 things:


The youth that runs out in the world kicking and screaming I WILL NOT BE AFRAID! This teen tries everything, just because of the need to not fear - the tough teen.


Or


The youth that stayes in church scared to even hear the radio incase the devil tries ti grab ahold of them through the speakers! - and when a non-christian enters church they are to afraid that this person will temp them of a life that is secular that they close up and distance them from this lost soul seeking the light. Instead they judge this non- christian to save themselves. - The scared teen.





If we try to live our lives non perfect then God can complete us - He is perfect, we are not.


Then we can have a lifstyle that a lost soul can really believe in and feel a part of!


God loves us even when we screw up - I dare you to open your life and let people see how awsome God is to love and die for a sinner like you!! Like Me!!

In my minds eye..

I en park mitt i natten sitter jag och lyssnar på phillips craig and dean sjunga om Gud som springer och möter dem och hur Han påminner oss om Hans gränslösa kärlek.
När musiken tystnar och bortom billjud m.m. låter hela naturen i en underbar symfoni till vår Fader, Även gräset växer till Hans ära!
Naturen ifrågasätter inte sin skapelse. Fåglarna sjunger sin lovsång varje morgon.
Men vi har den otroliga fördelen att det är vi som han vill vara i närheten utav det är vi som Han vill umgås med och lära känna.
Han som vet hur många hår jag har på mitt huvud vill lära känna mig!
Vi talar om hjärtesorg när vi förlorar en person vi har kär, hur mycket då kan inte Guds hjärta brista varje gång vi vänder ryggen till honom. Och även då varje gång vi söker tillbaka till Honom så springer han och möter oss och glömmer allt förlåter allt och Hans kärlek består en kärlek som övergår all förstånd.

När jag kommer inför honom och ber om förlåtelse så står jag ren och helig inför honom. Då Gud inte kan se orenhet eller möta orenhet. My slate is wiped clean!

Lead me to the cross

Lord Father!!
Change me! My greatest fear is to misslead someone with my life!
Remind me to seek your kingdom first!
What if I mess up? and jepordize everything?

-

This is an all to often prayed prayer from me.
Half of the prayer is fine - I need to be reminded often to seek His kingdom first in everything I do.
But what if I stumble? What happens then? Well, I guess I make myself some kind of selfemployed savior. I can not possibly screw things up for Jesus. He will make the stones talk in needed. I can't jepordize anyones life with God. But I can deffinitly mess up. But if I know God right he's already planned on me taking the wrong step a couple of times.
So it all boils down to me not trusting God with His own job.
Anybody recognize themselves?

Jesus told me once "I don't need you..... I want you!"

I don't think I even notice half the times I take a wrong step in life --
blinded by my own self inflicted importance.

Lord, make me a servant HUMBLE and MEEK!!

Even though the journey's long and I know the road is hard. You're the one who's gone before me! You will help me carry on! After all that I've been through, now I realize the truth, that I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountian of God.
~ Third Day, Mountian of God

Fear no evil....

This week I was out on a hike for the first time in years. Tuesday afternoon we started our hike with about 15kilos on our backs and 3 dogs. 1 husky, 1 GSD and 1 mutt puppy.
We walked through the rain about an hour and joked about the fact that we were being followed by a rainbow - Gods promis that we were never going to have to do this again. Not that anyone was forcing us but anyhow.
After hiking for about 2 hours it started getting dark and we found a good spot to set up camp. We didn't get a clear sight of how the campsite looked like but in the dim light it seemed perfect.
We pitched the tent and started a fire. My hiking partner had shot a hare earlier and started to clean and skin it. At about seven thirty we heard strange growling noises from the dark woods and realized that it wasn't the dogs that were making them. Remembering something I had read I understood that it was a wild boar. Let me tell you that this usually cocky young woman was not so cocky right then and there. We felt pretty small hiding behind our tent. we decided to climb the nearest tree for safty and call someone who could tell us what to do? Thank God for cell phones!
The answer was the usual.. "he's probably more scared of you then you are of it."
- Great, and thats reasuring when I'm sitting in a tree in the middle of some dark woods. Who cares how scared the stupid boar is? I'm about to piss my pants!!
And everyone knows that frightend animals are the most dangerous. My partner climbed down, but I decided to stay a while longer. In my tiny twig of a tree I felt somewhat safe. Who new that hiking and camping could bring you so close to wildlife?? Well, while my romantic and charming idea of camping was quickly leaving my mind being replaced with the true scenario of "your on your own kid." I finelly climb down from the tree.. wishing with my whole heart that the hare my friend had shot would just magicaly disapear so the boar could look elsewere for food. The dogs didn't even seem fazed that our very lives were being threatend - I should probably add that we didn't hear the boar anymore that night. I just couldn't calm down though, I was praying and singing worship songs. God just kinda reminded me - "Your not so tuff without 4 sturdy walls around ya, are ya?!" - "Yeah, you ain't seen nothin yet, you should check out the bears I've created.." Ok God, riencheck on that one :)
I looked everywhere for comfort - I called friends and I called my dad, nothing seemed to fade my fears. In that moment I realized - All I had was Jesus. No one else was going to save me. No one else could.
I had no other comfort. Sure this was the kind of storm you just have to ride it out. But still was God preparing me for more situations like this. I was looking forward to spending more time with my awsome God, I knew that this hike was going to draw me nearer to Jesus. Sitting there by the fire straining my eyes to the max to try to see into the woods after the beast that had frightened me up a tree, I realized that this was me learning to trust Christ. He was not going to let anything happen to me and I had no choice but to trust him. Also the "things aren't what they seem" lesson was also being learned.

My way or the Highway!?

Everybody keeps telling me that breaking up is hard to do. Untill recently I was in a reletionship with a guy, we were together for 4½ years. The thing is we didn't really have the ultimate grounds or pillers for a great relationship the first 2 years were completely on his terms as I was to young to understand any better and then he cheated on me making the whole trust thing a big issue.

Up untill about 1 year ago I wanted to make things work, this stubbern thought started to cease after many years of just not getting along. Differant morals and principals started to be an issue, the discussion of children had come up, and it just felt like we wanted differant lifestyles. So I took a tough dicission and asked God to totaly erase any feelings of love for this man. Giving my heart totaly over to God.

I had experienced a feeling of my heart being split inbetween God and my boyfriend. "M" was not a chrisrian and had no intents of becoming one either.

A few weeks passed by and I didn't feel the same love for "M" as I had done earlier it hurt though, losing love for someone you've loved for so long was no picnic.



Now your probably wondering why on earth I'm sharing this stuff...

Well..



Everyone kept telling me to end it quickly and let him go, but I felt sick to my stomache everytime. They told me you have to make a clean break. The whole world knows that when you feel something like you do you got to end it.. quick.

I was in no hurry though, I felt i wanted to slowly break it off.. with time I would know what to do.

You know God doesn't really map out things directly, he gives things time and patience to grow or fade.

Thats when I realized just because the whole world thinks something to be right does not mean that it is.

I think that we as christians forget to agnoledge the fact that the world is run by our arch enemy and Gods nemesis.
I'm not saying that breaking up slow with "M" was the right thing to do. But I have no regretts today.
What I mean is.. How often do we really question the ways of the world?
How often do you think,.. is this really the way God intended us to act, think or speak?
If I have been living this way for years does it make it right?

Example, everyone has heard the words "If it feels right it is right"..? Breaking up with "M" didn't feel right at all times, but I know now that it really was.

Sometimes doing the exact opposite of what is normal and rutin is just the right thing to do.
Let me encourage you to ask more questions and seek more answers. God has said in his word "Seek and you shall find" and thats a promise from the one we always can trust will keep his promises.

So is it My way or the Highway? Well I'm turning of on the next exit on to Gods way. The terrain is tougher but the destination is far much better, and the best thing is that we got a map for this road.

Breaking and Entering

"If you need help - Ask God, If you don't need help - Thank God."

Life is an ongoing mystery to me,.. When one thing seems to be going well all Breaks and goes south once more.

I want to live! The way I was intended to live.. Is this it?

Should I be sitting infront of a computer screen at 1 o'clock in the mourning knowing that in 8 hours I must be up dressed and ready to take 5 puppies to the vet. I just don't care.

But I want to care, I want the healthy lifestyle and all there is to it.

Right now I am falling into my all to often visited pit of dispair. The pit I just climbed out of recently.

I want to break free and find myself, enter the lifestyle that God has planned for me, or is this the plan? Am i supposed to be an example of trust in God? I have asked for help and I seem to be getting the same answer - "I am"

What does that mean?

My Lord , My God, My King!! Am I too busy in my very eventfull spare time to listen to what you really are saying?

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. " -Ps 23

Why do I feel lost and very much missing out on the part - Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life ?

Breaking and entering... Will today be the day?

The broken one

As they left this morning I knew..
..
The peice of me that had been missing so long, had come to visit and then left.. it left me.
It wasn't a person.. it was a feeling, a feeling of home.
The one thing that understood my feeling the one thing that made my heart at ease... After so long I finally felt like I was home. But it wasn't because of the home I have here, it was because a peice of home was with me.
My real home, my refuge point.
What do I do now, this empty shell of a person, a person without a home.
Accually a person with a home but nohow of reaching it..
Money..
I realize that I'm not getting out of this trapped hole, this is where I have to stay.. but my heart wants out.
God!! Hear my cry!!
Take me home to the country roads, where I feel complete.
I am so tired.. so very tired.
Where will I be enough? I can't do this anymore.. all I want to do is sleep..
But the construction workers outside are making that clearly impossible.
I'll go to the place I am needed today, I'm late.. but for the first time I don't care... I just want to sleep... thats all... just sleep..
But today will be differant, today they will see the person I hide inside, the one who just can't hide anymore.. the broken one...

För, inte p.g.a

Jag satt och läste en gammal tidning från den 20 mars idag och bläddrade något ointresserad igenom den tills jag kom till en stor rubrik.. Jesus borde struntat i korsfästelsen.
En torsdags skribent åt kvällsposten Lars Klint hade skrivit om en promenad i kyrko gården som han hade tagit och hans tankar den dagen.. skärtorsdag.
Han skriver

"Jag respekterar, ja beundrar på sätt och vis alla troende, och skulle själv inte
ha något emot att hitta en tråd till någon Gud. Men det vill sig inte riktigt."

Det första som jag reagerade på där var att han skriver Gud med stora bokstäver, som ett namn på en ända samtidigt som han skriver "någon". Sök och du skall finna säger bibeln.
Respekten och beundran han finner inom sig kommer ju från den mänskliga naturen.. Finns Gud? Hur har dom hittat honom? Hur kan dom veta?
När jag fortsätter min läsning då han tydligen fångat mitt intresse och kvällsposten har för en stund blivit mer än bara munbajs.
Han skriver i slutet:

"Jesus borde ha struntat i korsfästelsen och smitit iväg direkt efter
nattvarden på skärtorsdagen, innan Judas tjallade för tempelprästerna. Han var i
sin krafts dagar och hade då kunnat slutföra uppdraget på jorden. Och gett sin
tolerans, medkänsla och ödmjukhet ett större genomslag hos mänskligheten.
Långfredagen hade inte alls blivit någon dyster tröstlös transportsträcka, utan
en glädjens och äkta hoppets högtid."

Vad Lars inte förstår är att denna högtid är ju verkligen en glädjens och äkta hoppets högtid!
Det var inte pga Pilatus Jesus dog, det var inte pga han själv eller soldaterna, inte tempelprästerna och inte heller Judas.
Det var inte pga någon eller någonting.
Det var för..
För Pilatus, För soldaterna, För tempelprästerna, För Judas och För dig och mig!
Själv anser jag att om våra vandaliserande, drogande, och kriminella ungdomar hade fått höra det istället för att vi skulle komma från apor.. Så¨kanske dom hade varit ödmjukare haft mer tolerans och medkänsla.. Istället för att bete sig som apor.
Jesus slutförde sitt uppdrag.. Han gav mig möjligheten till att välja evigt liv i himmelen trotts att jag inte förtjänar det. Now thats true love!

På fredagen dog Jesus.. men på Söndagen återkom han med en kraft och med en ny möjlighet att ha persolig kontakt med oss människor för alltid! Vi älskar honom för att han älskade oss först! Amen.

What if I stumble....

If you have stumbled upon this page, ...
Om du har råkat hamna på denna sida finns det en andledning..
Detta är din brinnande buske..
Kalla det öde eller kalla det nyfikenhet.
Många som hamnar på denna sida kommer känna igen den tomma, ihålliga känslan inom sig.. Man försöker mätte den med olicka saker.. pengar, kärlek, vänner.. hobbies...
Långt inom dig finns det en gammal dörr till ett tomt rum med en stor skyllt - DO NOT ENTER - bland spindelnäten m.m.
I det rummet finns det en hyres ansökan... med ett kvitto.
Vill du ta reda på mer?
Allt omkring dig säger nej..!
Vill du utmanna det? Vill du få reda på vad den brinnande busken är?
Vågar du ta reda på sanningen?