Realizing Truth

Life is all about learning. Every day is new and a new lesson to be learned. You are never the same as the person you were the day before.
2012 has been a year of extreme sorrow, trials and learning for me.
I lost the love of my life.. The man I married wasn't who I thought he was... or in reality he wasn't the man i so truely wished he was. Without going deeper then just scraping the tip of the iceburg, narcotics, crime and a bunch of lies.
I try to always be as truthfull as I can. I believe strongly in honesty and also know the depth of pain lies can bring. I mindblowing sorrow that makes you sick to your stomache.

Life has been alot like a rollercoaster ride these past months. Sorrow, anger, sorrow, freedom and more sorrow.

In the middle of all the sorrow a light shines.. brighter then the suns strongest rays. A whisper through the clouds saying softly ... walk by faith.

I've been through hours of talks with social services about the well being of our son. I thought that they would believe me just because it was the truth. But the reality of the world is unfair, I keep being questioned.
My former husband lies, cheats, does drugs and has a criminal record longer then Santas naughty and nice list. Still they keep repeating his right to a second chance. Even when he has done the very same to his little girl who this year turned 10. Still I am the one being questioned.. I've never done any drugs, or anything criminal... I don't lie, I don't cheat or manipulate. But he has a right to a second chance..

John 16:33

New International Version (NIV)

33 " I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Yes, there are troubles, some which we never could imagin.. such as not being believed when we are being truthfull. But it says "take heart".
To take heart is defined as : to recieve courage or comfort from some fact, to start feeling more hopeful and more confident, to feel encouraged.
The fact is God has overcome this world. This world of lies deception and deceit has been overcome by our awesome father and He is truth and freedom. 
I just have to trust Him now in my darkest hour, even if the outcome isn't what I expected I need to trust that He loves me and He loves my son. He will protect our hearts. The truth is if people don't want God they don't generaly want the real truth either.

But I will walk by faith even when I can not see.

I do....

Oh, my heart still longs for you.. For the love you never gave me.. How could you? How could you live with me, say "I do" on our wedding day, create a beautiful baby boy with me... But not love me?? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? Realizing that I was just a thing for you. The pain is consuming. I will always grieve you..... I love you, whatever you ever have done... I chose and vowed to always love you. Even if you didn't hold up you end... .... I do

Broken

I guess there is a time in everyone's life where you go... How did I end up here? Where nothing makes sence. That's where I am now.. I met a boy, fell in love... Hard! And was happy until the day he decided to abuse my love, my trust and ... Me. I truly believed that we were meant to be, and in some ways I still believe it. But I had to run. Had to take our 2 year old son and leave the love of my life. I had to leave my heart behind and act before I totally lost myself. Before my son understood what was going on. And become the forth generation of abuser. How do you think with your head when your heart is screaming the total opposite to what the brain is thinking. How do you leave someone behind?? How do you protect yourself from yourself, from the love you have given.. Reminding myself that I was the only one who gave anything doesn't help, it's not enough. Where did it all go wrong?? When did he decide that my love didn't matter that my heart, my life, my love wasn't enough wasn't worthy, wasn't good enough. How does one fight this totally and utterly consuming pain that sorounds me 24/7? I can hardly breath, my heart beats with pain.. Every beat is followed by an emptiness. I scream "ABBA" "FATHER" !! Heal this torn heart! Heal my brokenness, HEAL ME!! The pain is unbearable, take this burden! Your yoke is easy Father, lift this heavyness from my heart! Save me from my hurt, fill my empty heart with your love! Fill my empty soul,, the places that where given to him for safekeeping, the rape, the abuse... Father! I scream in he pain that fills my soul! It flows through my vains.. A constant reminder of the one I love so deeply.. That never loved me, who only lied to get what he lusted... I loved him, he only lusted me.. Now I am used, finished... Broken... And like an old toy, tossed away. Please Lord, send someone who will fill my broken holes with love, mend my bruises with acceptance and wipe away my tears with a belief in me. Someone proud to love me, proud to be loved by me. One who loves you for making me. One who desires to love me as you have loved me first. Oh Father, mend my broken heart!!