lördag 4 juli 2015

Tired of it all

It's been a couple years since I wrote...
Well the story will unravel but for now I'm just sick of it... sick of it all!
Sick of living through it... sick of talking about it and sick of hearing myself talking about it.
Narcissistic abuse is very real dear ones... and it kills the soul.. kills everything!  It's like cancer just eating away att every healthy fiber. Tomorrow its 7 months since I left him... finally left him...
For the last time.
I'm still riding the roller coaster... Some days are good and others (like today) suck!
I'll be using this blogg for the time being as my spewing corner. I need to get this shit out... I want to tell the world... I want to scream it from the rooftops but with the ptsd and everything else... I'm just too tired... so so so tired....

måndag 10 september 2012

Realizing Truth

Life is all about learning. Every day is new and a new lesson to be learned. You are never the same as the person you were the day before.
2012 has been a year of extreme sorrow, trials and learning for me.
I lost the love of my life.. The man I married wasn't who I thought he was... or in reality he wasn't the man i so truely wished he was. Without going deeper then just scraping the tip of the iceburg, narcotics, crime and a bunch of lies.
I try to always be as truthfull as I can. I believe strongly in honesty and also know the depth of pain lies can bring. I mindblowing sorrow that makes you sick to your stomache.

Life has been alot like a rollercoaster ride these past months. Sorrow, anger, sorrow, freedom and more sorrow.

In the middle of all the sorrow a light shines.. brighter then the suns strongest rays. A whisper through the clouds saying softly ... walk by faith.

I've been through hours of talks with social services about the well being of our son. I thought that they would believe me just because it was the truth. But the reality of the world is unfair, I keep being questioned.
My former husband lies, cheats, does drugs and has a criminal record longer then Santas naughty and nice list. Still they keep repeating his right to a second chance. Even when he has done the very same to his little girl who this year turned 10. Still I am the one being questioned.. I've never done any drugs, or anything criminal... I don't lie, I don't cheat or manipulate. But he has a right to a second chance..

John 16:33
New International Version (NIV)
33 " I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Yes, there are troubles, some which we never could imagin.. such as not being believed when we are being truthfull. But it says "take heart".
To take heart is defined as : to recieve courage or comfort from some fact, to start feeling more hopeful and more confident, to feel encouraged.
The fact is God has overcome this world. This world of lies deception and deceit has been overcome by our awesome father and He is truth and freedom. 
I just have to trust Him now in my darkest hour, even if the outcome isn't what I expected I need to trust that He loves me and He loves my son. He will protect our hearts. The truth is if people don't want God they don't generaly want the real truth either.

But I will walk by faith even when I can not see.

lördag 19 maj 2012

I do....

Oh, my heart still longs for you.. For the love you never gave me.. How could you? How could you live with me, say "I do" on our wedding day, create a beautiful baby boy with me... But not love me?? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? Realizing that I was just a thing for you. The pain is consuming. I will always grieve you..... I love you, whatever you ever have done... I chose and vowed to always love you. Even if you didn't hold up you end... .... I do

fredag 18 maj 2012


I guess there is a time in everyone's life where you go... How did I end up here? Where nothing makes sence. That's where I am now.. I met a boy, fell in love... Hard! And was happy until the day he decided to abuse my love, my trust and ... Me. I truly believed that we were meant to be, and in some ways I still believe it. But I had to run. Had to take our 2 year old son and leave the love of my life. I had to leave my heart behind and act before I totally lost myself. Before my son understood what was going on. And become the forth generation of abuser. How do you think with your head when your heart is screaming the total opposite to what the brain is thinking. How do you leave someone behind?? How do you protect yourself from yourself, from the love you have given.. Reminding myself that I was the only one who gave anything doesn't help, it's not enough. Where did it all go wrong?? When did he decide that my love didn't matter that my heart, my life, my love wasn't enough wasn't worthy, wasn't good enough. How does one fight this totally and utterly consuming pain that sorounds me 24/7? I can hardly breath, my heart beats with pain.. Every beat is followed by an emptiness. I scream "ABBA" "FATHER" !! Heal this torn heart! Heal my brokenness, HEAL ME!! The pain is unbearable, take this burden! Your yoke is easy Father, lift this heavyness from my heart! Save me from my hurt, fill my empty heart with your love! Fill my empty soul,, the places that where given to him for safekeeping, the rape, the abuse... Father! I scream in he pain that fills my soul! It flows through my vains.. A constant reminder of the one I love so deeply.. That never loved me, who only lied to get what he lusted... I loved him, he only lusted me.. Now I am used, finished... Broken... And like an old toy, tossed away. Please Lord, send someone who will fill my broken holes with love, mend my bruises with acceptance and wipe away my tears with a belief in me. Someone proud to love me, proud to be loved by me. One who loves you for making me. One who desires to love me as you have loved me first. Oh Father, mend my broken heart!!

måndag 11 januari 2010

Idol Calle eller Jesus?

Jag lägger upp en bild som jag vill att alla kristna ska tänka på.
Om Idol Calle kommer till din kyrka och sjunger en gratis konsert går du hellre på det mötet en någon annan? Tar du hellre med din vän på det mötet än på på ett möte där det är den vanliga pastorn och den vanliga lovsångs teamet? Detta handlar inte om Idol Calle i sig och är definitivt inte ett försök till att klanka ner på denna killen alls.
Detta är en vädjan till kyrkan att öppna sina ögon, Gud har lagt ner något i mig som jag har kämpat med i flera år men Han gjorde väldigt klart för mig att ifall jag inte börjar tala ut om det han lägger ner i mig så kommer jag att få stå till svars för alla gånger han har velat tala genom mig och jag hållt mun.
Kyrkan har under 30 år lungt och stilla tagit sig an en otrolig new age kultur av "feel good religion".
Vi gör våra medlemmar så bekväma med sina syndiga liv att dom inte känner ett behov av synda nöd. När det inte ens handlar om det, Jag är fullkomligt screwed up och det är alla andra med... men det handlar inte om oss det handlar om Jesus och vem han är oh vad han har gjort för oss! Vi är så egoistiska att vi inte ens kan tillbe utan att se oss själva först.
Bibeln talar om 11 timmen som den vi lever i nu.. den sista tiden.. han sa ju dock detta redan till lärjungarna för 2000 år sedan men hans mening med detta är att vi ska vara vakna för hans ord för att han skall komma!

Sverige Vakna!!
Svenska kristna är verkligen apatiska! Gud förlåt oss!!

Hur kom det till detta?! Att kyrkan lockar folk med en okristen känd sångare?! Att vi vill likna satan och vi tar till hans vapen för att locka människor till Herren!?
Jesus är den samma idag, igår och för all framtid, det är vi som har förändrats och blivit rädda, det är vi som är mesarna, fjollorna, töntarna! Det är vi som nervärderar våran egen herreoch behöver smycka honom i disco ljus för att vi är rädda för att folk ska ha åsikten att Gud är tradig! Har du ingen tillit till din Gud? Han som räddade sina ur Egypten genom att dela på havet! Han som talade fram döda ur graven! Han som talade och genom ord skapade hela denna universum! Jag talar inte om era byggnader där vi samlas för att möta Jesus Jag talar till mig själv och till dig personligen! Ta detta personligt för du kommer också stå till svars en dag, inför en väldigt stor Gud, den ända vägen, sanningen och livet Jesus Kristus!
Göm er inte i ljuset rädda för att bli tittade snett på, jag har fått äran att få vara med och leda flera till Jesus och dom som faller hårdast för honom är dom som spottat mest på Honom. Det handlar om rädsla och en otrolig kallelse som INGEN kan ignorera hela sitt liv!
Jag hoppas verkligen att ni inte tittar på mig som om dessa ord kommer från mig, det handlar inte om bitterhet, eller ilska.. det handlar om en otrolig förtvivlan som Gud har för sitt folk i Sverige! Hans nöd är stor och hans vrede större. Just nu ser han på Sverige som en fader vars barn är fullkomligt likgiltiga till hans ord och begär av oss. Jesus förlåt oss!

Har du lättare att visa upp Idol Calle eller Jesus?

onsdag 23 december 2009

Santa in the manger

We got a card the other day
A Christmas one, in fact,
But it really was the strangest thing
And showed such little tact.

For laying in the manger
Was Santa, big as life,
Surrounded by some little elves
And Rudolph and his wife.

There was so much excitement
That the shepherd’s saw the glow
Of Rudolph’s bright and shining nose
Reflected on the snow.

So in they rushed to see him
Followed by the wise men three,
Who came not bearing any gifts—
Just some stockings and a tree.

They gathered round about him
To sing praises to his name;
A song about Saint Nicholas
And how he came to fame.

Then they handed him the lists they’d made
Of, oh, so many toys
That they were sure they would receive
For being such good boys.

And sure enough he chuckled,
While reaching in his bag,
And placed in all their outstretched hands
A gift that bore a tag.

And on that tag was printed
A simple verse that read,
“Even though it’s Jesus’ birthday,
Please take this gift instead.”

Then I realized they really did
Know Who this day was for
Though by every indication
They had just chosen to ignore.

And Jesus looked upon this scene,
His eyes so filled with pain—
They said this year’d be different
But they’d forgotten Him again.

--Barb Cash

måndag 9 mars 2009

If you need help, ask God. If you don't need help, thank God!

Psalm 91
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

What more needs to be said? This is a promis from our Lord and God. The one who never fails us. Read this verse over and over.

Even when we feel like nothing can help us and dangers stand at our front door. God knows and is protecting us. There is no need for fear!

Thank you Awsome Father!

For creating me fearfully and wonderfully!

For protecting me and fighting for me so I need not!

You are truely a great God!