The real me..

Who am I..? Who is the real me..?

Behind the public cherade, what is it I see in me?
Not what my parents see in me, or my firends, or what you see in me..
I want to be more then that, What are my secrets and what are the things you do not see?
I will not tell my secrets here, yet my mind wanders to places where I can.
Will I find someone ever who will see me and not what the world makes me..?
Will I see the real me?

I love dogs, I love Jesus, I love playing make believe and making snow angels.. I love making people laugh and I feel agknowled by it, I hate boring things and when I can't satisfy that need for exitment I die inside. I need to feel needed and helpfull or I wither away.


I'm scared of alot of things. like hights and deep water, flying or something so small as cockroaches.


I love, like I've never been hurt before and I laugh, like it's the only reason to live. I get more angry and frustrated then anyone I know at least to the looks of it, I'm petite yet I scare my friends when I am mad.


I'm lousy at housework and I hate cooking.


I'm egosentric alot of times and I do believe I'm always right (at least untill I am proved wrong). I like being alone at times and I need my space, I'm not really into cuddling or big sloppy kisses at all.


I have patience untill I run out and I laugh at people when they fall ( I think it's funny) I think it's even better when they laugh too.


I love beautifull things and I only have beautiful friends, If you think I'm ugly it's ok you don't have be my friend.


I do things the "my way or the highway" style, and I'm probably not going to change. I will tell you things you don't want to hear if I believe it's the right thing to do.


I like cleanlyness but my life is not as clean and spotless as I sometimes want it to be. I can never keep my white socks white.. I don't know why but it's true.


My dogs are always very good looking with new collars and leashes that match and nice bowls and beds, because I can't stand ugly or dirty things for my dogs. (and I hate knots on leashes).


I always use a new dishbrush and cloth every time I do the dishes.


My favorite song is "My winter" by Sister hazel and I want to find a man from the lyrics "I'm crazy for this girl" by Lifehouse. I love romance but feel awkward when someone does anything romantic for me.


I like attention and being in the center, but not always.

I hate money and what it does to ones mind.


I love snow and spring and palm trees.. I've always liked turtles but don't know why.
My favorite color is turquios and I think that Pepsi is just Coke only without the secret ingredient.
I have an oppnion about almost everything.




This is the real me.. without the best light or best makeup or anything... just me.

No more guilt trip!

It's amazing the love God has for us.

I've been of track looking for my fairytale ending when I've finally found that I am allreday living my fairytale. Just think the day we all meet in heaven! The day when the father who has cared for his handicaped son all his life meets him pure and without any hurt or pain. Who will not celebrate that day? Or the blind seeing for the first time?
As for me? The fact that I will be able to stand infront of my Jesus and feel completely without fault and completely clean!! To know that the words "Go and sin no more" will accually be a statement and not a comand! I will dance infront of my Father with all of my might and I will sing praises to my teacher who has never let me down!
I hunger to feel clean from all the dirt in my life. I'm not the only person in this world that feels that they aren't "good enough" for Christ.. Even if thats the whole point it still eats at our hearts.
If I only read my bible more or if I told Jesus more often that I love him and want to serve him or if I altered my lifestyle to be more like him. If I turned my cheak more often ex.ex.ex....
My Father in heaven loves me and it's not that he won't see sin it's that he can't.
Before him I am clean and the day I meat him I will be able to see myself through his eyes!!
Now that's a fairytale ending that is true! Isn't that something to look forward to?!
I am saved and not only am I saved but I get to spend eternity without despair and frustration.. without fear or anxiaty!!

Thank YOU Awesome Father!!

Seriously if you are reading this and you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, Then get one, Tell God right now that you need him you need to feel that one day all the shit that you've done in your life will no longer matter, the backpack of guilt you've been carrying needs to go!! You have been saved and our redeemer LIVES!

Insomnia

Insomnia - the inability to sleep applied to the general complaint of having trouble falling or staying asleep; insomnia is a symptom usually caused by underlying problems.

I can't sleep.. got to much on my mind constantly.. I sleep about 3 hours a night and that's just not good.

I got my hair done today so that was at least something to keep my mind off stuff at least for a little while. But honestly I don't want my mind off my problems I can't control them that way. Yes I am a control freak and am accually seeing a counceler for it. (to much info)

I guess my confort zone is within the words I choose to say. I seem to be a very open book, but those who know me well would deffinitly say the opposite. I can spill secret stuff about my life but the truely personal stuff I keep hidden away so far I have to dig to remember it.

I think I'm getting the hang of the being alone part though.

Feels good to be on the right track again, looking for that certian someone. Even thogh the road is seriously boring and on occasion simply dreadfull I'm glad that I now have a new goal in life.

Now I'm gonna watch "All dogs go to heaven 2" I just love kiddy movies :)

Maybe I'll fall asleep. :)

The Fairytale..

I find myself depressed in a normal fashion, wanting to find the one person who God has planned for me.

Watching silly romantic comedies and wondering if it really can be that way.

- Is that like believing in Santa Claus???

feeling lonelly and irritated.

I've seen 3 of my old classmates get married this summer.

I've never been the good girl, and now I'm wondering... can I turn my life around?

You see, what I mean by good girl is sexual.. I lost my virginity and became sexually active at the young age of 15 I thought I was grown up and mature. None of my friends or peers thought I was a virgin and they where my whole life at the time. Without the maturity to see beyond my young age I thought that only thier oppinion mattered. So it didn't matter if I kept it or not.

Cigerettes became drugs, meeting friends became drinking with friends and sex ... well lets just say I was to young to say no at a few ocassions.

Today non of those are active players in my life but still my sexual past haunts me.

I am emotionally scarred for life. Who could I ever meet that could see past these things and will I ever have a healthy life again?

God heals all wounds, but can I let these go?

Abba Father, Please help me understand how I can give these burdans to you. They are way to heavy for me. Please create in me a clean heart and spirit. Break the emotional shackels that bind my feet.

And foremost renew a stedfast spirit within me.

Amen

The broken ones..

We must help the broken ones - live our lives for christ and help those in our very secular world.


These lonely souls, these Broken ones.


--





I've heard this in many preachings - But what do these words really do to you?


What thoughts can come from this?


What happens when you are the broken one?


I can't be broken - cause I have God. I must be there for the ones that are really broken...


I think that we buy into the lie that all is perfect when God comes into our lives.



But when we hear this in every kick off preaching for ministry we start to believe that everyone without God are the only ones who can be broken.





I am broken in so many areas of my life, and I've believed the lie that I'm doing the whole christian thing wrong. I'm supposed to be clean, reborn, made perfect in Christ. Why do I still do all these rotten things in my life.


I know!,.. I'll pretend that I have the perfect life - because I have Christ! that will make people want God.





Here we are with the trust issue once more. Not trusting God that the bible is true and that we have to live a special way for people to want it or for us to not go to hell.


We even tell our kids and youth to be cautious of the world and of secular things so the devil doesn't snatch them away from God! This is seriously ubsurd!! The bible clearly states - Lead me not into temptation. Not deny me the right of a choice of temptation - Why not teach trust to these young ones instead of scaring them from everything secular. the end result of this action is simply 2 things:


The youth that runs out in the world kicking and screaming I WILL NOT BE AFRAID! This teen tries everything, just because of the need to not fear - the tough teen.


Or


The youth that stayes in church scared to even hear the radio incase the devil tries ti grab ahold of them through the speakers! - and when a non-christian enters church they are to afraid that this person will temp them of a life that is secular that they close up and distance them from this lost soul seeking the light. Instead they judge this non- christian to save themselves. - The scared teen.





If we try to live our lives non perfect then God can complete us - He is perfect, we are not.


Then we can have a lifstyle that a lost soul can really believe in and feel a part of!


God loves us even when we screw up - I dare you to open your life and let people see how awsome God is to love and die for a sinner like you!! Like Me!!

In my minds eye..

I en park mitt i natten sitter jag och lyssnar på phillips craig and dean sjunga om Gud som springer och möter dem och hur Han påminner oss om Hans gränslösa kärlek.
När musiken tystnar och bortom billjud m.m. låter hela naturen i en underbar symfoni till vår Fader, Även gräset växer till Hans ära!
Naturen ifrågasätter inte sin skapelse. Fåglarna sjunger sin lovsång varje morgon.
Men vi har den otroliga fördelen att det är vi som han vill vara i närheten utav det är vi som Han vill umgås med och lära känna.
Han som vet hur många hår jag har på mitt huvud vill lära känna mig!
Vi talar om hjärtesorg när vi förlorar en person vi har kär, hur mycket då kan inte Guds hjärta brista varje gång vi vänder ryggen till honom. Och även då varje gång vi söker tillbaka till Honom så springer han och möter oss och glömmer allt förlåter allt och Hans kärlek består en kärlek som övergår all förstånd.

När jag kommer inför honom och ber om förlåtelse så står jag ren och helig inför honom. Då Gud inte kan se orenhet eller möta orenhet. My slate is wiped clean!

Lead me to the cross

Lord Father!!
Change me! My greatest fear is to misslead someone with my life!
Remind me to seek your kingdom first!
What if I mess up? and jepordize everything?

-

This is an all to often prayed prayer from me.
Half of the prayer is fine - I need to be reminded often to seek His kingdom first in everything I do.
But what if I stumble? What happens then? Well, I guess I make myself some kind of selfemployed savior. I can not possibly screw things up for Jesus. He will make the stones talk in needed. I can't jepordize anyones life with God. But I can deffinitly mess up. But if I know God right he's already planned on me taking the wrong step a couple of times.
So it all boils down to me not trusting God with His own job.
Anybody recognize themselves?

Jesus told me once "I don't need you..... I want you!"

I don't think I even notice half the times I take a wrong step in life --
blinded by my own self inflicted importance.

Lord, make me a servant HUMBLE and MEEK!!

Even though the journey's long and I know the road is hard. You're the one who's gone before me! You will help me carry on! After all that I've been through, now I realize the truth, that I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountian of God.
~ Third Day, Mountian of God